Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
