I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
