and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just blew my weed a kiss
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
