i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
