does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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