My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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