she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
