There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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