Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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