he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
