I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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