God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
