eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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