I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
