you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
we made out on top of his cat.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
