every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
