All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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