Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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