I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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