She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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