i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
