I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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