i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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