I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
