News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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