Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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