OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
