you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
