I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Randomize
