I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
