Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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