Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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