He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
