I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
