I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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