Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
