Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
