Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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