Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
