hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
