I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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