Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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