I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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