The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
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