my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
