so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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