Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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