I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
