I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
