I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
