You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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