so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
