Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
