What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
