I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
