I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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