I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
