I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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